50 Best Funny Quotes About Jesus

best funny quotes about jesus

Hey there, are you in the mood for a good laugh and some inspiration? Well, look no further! I’ve got a collection of the 50 funny quotes about Jesus that’ll leave you grinning from ear to ear. From hilarious one-liners to witty quips, this list will spring your step and brighten your day. It doesn’t matter if you’re a devoted Christian or just looking for a bit of humor. There’s something here for everyone. So, sit back, relax, and get ready to giggle as we delve into the comical side of the Son of God!

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50 Best Funny Quotes About Jesus

1. “Jesus and Moses were hanging out in Heaven one day when they got to discussing their mutual boredom.”

funny Jesus quotes - hanging heaven mutual boredom

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2. Moses said, “Hey Jesus, you know what we haven’t done in a while? Go down to Earth and perform some miracles.”

3. “Have patience, God isn’t finished yet!”

funny Jesus quotes - patience god finished

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4. “Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.”

5. “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

funny Jesus quotes - like christ christians unlike

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6. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

7. “Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”

funny Jesus quotes - heaven favour merit stay dog

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8. “The number of followers you have doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.”

9. “What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture up.”

funny Jesus quotes - difference jesus picture hang up

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10. “My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!” I said, “No. Sex that I can’t tell anyone about.”

11. “Could you lead us in prayer? Heart rate jumps to 140 BPM.”

Jesus quotes funny - lead prayer heart rate jumps

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12. “Of course Jesus was Jewish. He didn’t leave home until he was 33, he went into his father’s business, and his mother thought he was God.”

13. “Jesus thought that was a great idea, so the two of them hopped onto a cloud and floated down to a city.”

Jesus quotes funny - great idea hopped cloud floated city

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14. “Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”

15. “What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler.”

Jesus quotes funny - kind car jesus drive christler

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16. “When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

17. “I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”

Jesus quotes funny - wanted atheist gave up holidays

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18. “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.”

19. “A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip.”

Jesus quotes funny - real christian person pet parrot town gossip

20. “What’s the difference between a hooker and Jesus? The look on their face when you’re nailing them.”

21. “If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion… They would call it crucifix.”

Jesus best quotes - real wouldn't crucifixion call

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22. “If Mary had aborted Jesus…would he have reappeared in her womb three days later?”

23. “Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland? They couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.”

Jesus best quotes - born mexico wise men virgin

24. “I’ve started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus. I’m only making a little prophet.”

25. “Why wasn’t Jesus born in Mexico? They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”

Jesus best quotes - born mexico wise men virgin

26. “Have you heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine? He said, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha”.

27. “Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails down on the front desk, and asks, “Can you put me up for the night?”

Jesus best quotes - walks hotel throws nails desk night

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28. ”People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.”

29. “No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: he is always convinced that it says what he means.”

Jesus best quotes - believes bible convinced says

30. “A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.”

31. “Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like to keep in touch.”

Jesus funny quotes - people delivered temptation touch

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32. “Jesus saves! By clipping coupons and shopping wisely.”

33. “What was Jesus’ favorite exercise routine? Crossfit.”

Jesus funny quotes - favorite excercise routine crossfit

34. “A sitcom about Jesus…Wouldn’t make it past the Pilate episode.”

35. “Jesus was the Black Panther. Because he Wakanda water.”

Jesus funny quotes - jesus black panther wakanda water

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36. “How does Jesus make tea? He brews it.”

37. “Jesus drove a Honda, but never talked about it.“For I do not speak of my own Accord.”

Jesus funny quotes - drove honda talked speak accord

38. “I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.”

39. “Christ has not only spoken to us by his life but has also spoken for us by his death.”

Jesus funny quotes - christ spoken life for his death

40. “Jesus loves you… He’s not ‘in love’ with you.”

41. “If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?”

funny quotes about Jesus - god's children special jesus

42. “It is time the Arabs and the Jews sat down and settled this dispute in the true Christian spirit.”

43. A”and Jesus said, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.”

funny quotes about Jesus - jesus come eternal life peter won toaster

44. “If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, “Awwww, look at it…like a little baby Jesus.” Time to buy a Porsche.”

45. “What was Jesus’ favorite type of ham? Bethle-ham.”

funny quotes about Jesus - jesus favorite ham bethle-ham

46. “Jesus is magic because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.”

47. “Like most Catholic boys, I wanted to be Jesus Christ. I could never get the turn-the-other-cheek thing down, though.”

funny quotes about Jesus - like catholic boys christ turn cheek down

48. “I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.”

49. “Jesus died for your sins. I’m doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.”

funny quotes about Jesus - jesus died sins doing entertainment dollar

50. “Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple.”


Are you ready for some laughter? We’ve covered you with 50 of the funniest and most irreverent quotes about Jesus you’ve ever heard! Our list includes hilarious quips from famous comedians and hilarious memes from the depths of the internet.

Whether you’re a devout Christian or a skeptic, these quotes will surely make you grin and remind you that life is too short to be taken all the time seriously. So, take a break, put your feet up, and get ready to chuckle as we explore the lighter side of Jesus.

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